The Great Exhale

Seven weeks ago we drove our youngest daughter back to Ohio State for her sophomore year.  Seven weeks have passed since we combined all that she brought back with her at the end of freshman year, plus all that she accumulated over the summer, plus all the new things she thought she'd need and tried to develop a plan for finding a place for it in her new room. Seven weeks have gone by since we aggressively packed the van with ALL OF THE THINGS hoping, but not quite believing, that everything would fit.  Seven weeks since we unloaded all of her stuff in the rain, helped to get her settled, and then said a quick and slightly awkward goodbye on the street outside of her sorority. It is not the same sadness as last year, but it still doesn't feel natural.

 Once we returned home, I felt the house let out a great exhale. It seemed to be relieved to be free of the boxes, bags, and bins that had been increasingly cluttering the house and weighing it down. As I went to work cleaning up the remains of the packing and doing the kind of room cleaning that is only possible when said daughter is not around, I sighed. The house was finally clean and quiet, order restored. But in that great exhalation of the house, it breathed out more than the clutter- it also breathed out some of the life and light and laughter.  It is emptier in ways big and small.

In each week that passes, I feel the house exhale a little more.  In a quiet but steady hiss of breath, I can feel the passing of time, the release of more life.  I bag up the clothes my daughter left behind to donate.  In the pile, I see the Hershey's sweatshirt that was her favorite souvenir from our trip to NYC right before we moved to NJ.  I tenderly fold up the outgrown t-shirts from our many family trips to Disney World.  I flinch when I see her high school cheer clothing in the pile.  Wasn't that one of the biggest things in her life not that long ago? I know she has moved on. Hiss...

I clean out the bathroom and am struck by the number of lotions and potions left behind.  I plan to throw out many of them thinking I will encounter the usual pile of dried out sparkly nail polish, Bath and Body Works lotions and gels, and various tubes of lip gloss; but instead, I am struck by the mature nature of what's left behind.  Shampoos specific to her hair type, face creams, a small fortune in "good" makeup.  I end up organizing more than I throw away.  These are adult things.  Hiss...

My husband and I spend a hard weekend cleaning out the garage and all of the many toys and games that once occupied the time and attention of our girls.  Scooters, basketballs, yard games, old signs for lemonade stands, bats, balls, riding gear, lacrosse sticks, sleds, snowboards. Much is given away, but I hold onto the bare essentials. I put them in a bin on the top shelf unsure that they will ever be used again but not quite ready to let them go.  Our garage transformed from the messy garage of people with children to the garage of adults- clean, organized, and somewhat less full of life. Hiss...

I go through my own closet with a new eye for what I will and won't be wearing.  I say goodbye to many clothes that represent a life that I am no longer living.  I say goodbye to the spirt t-shirts that I dutifully bought each year.  I sort through the pile of green and gold t-shirts and fondly remember the fun cheer trips to Disney. I part with much of the more structured clothing that went along with my more structured life. I see the dresses that I wore to the high school graduations of my girls and wonder if I will ever wear them again.  I suspect the answer is no, but I hold onto them for now.   My priority is moving to comfortable clothes that make me feel good and fit this new life I am creating.
Hiss...

We say goodbye to a car- our much-loved Mini Cooper convertible. I remember the promise we made of one day getting a convertible and the excitement when that day arrived.  I think about the sunny days when we would climb in and go for a drive to nowhere, anywhere, but usually, somewhere that ended in ice cream.  I remember driving away from the city lights on a warm summer night and seeing the stars so vividly that we pulled over to appreciate them and were rewarded with our very own shooting star.  I remember the cool air and bright sun of fall days when we would drive to enjoy the changing leaves then fight to keep the top down as the temperatures dropped and our bodies shivered.  I remember girls who used to fit comfortably in the small backseat asking to drive the car one last time. Hiss...

We try to plan a family trip for next summer and then realize it is impossible.  Our older daughter will be graduating from college in May and moving on to unknown horizons. I silently note that my husband and I were planning our wedding at that age and feel momentarily grateful for the uncertainty in her plans! Our younger one will be looking for an internship. Neither one of them knows for sure when or if they will be home next summer.  Hiss...

More life seems to flow out of the house than back in at this point. But, it doesn't feel sad exactly, it just feels like it is what it is meant to be.  Where last year there was sadness and even a little fear, now there is acceptance.  A reckoning is taking place- after years of moving fast, my inner life needs to catch up to the ever-changing outer life.   Now is time to reconcile the life I once had with the life I currently have.  It has changed dramatically and will continue to shift and move in ways both expected and not. Adapting is not optional.

Where our children once provided the life force in our home through their various activities, their lively friends, and their mere presence; now we will be responsible for creating a new life force. What we choose to bring into our home and what we choose to let go of will be up to us.  How I fill my days will ultimately become how I live the rest of my life. The opportunity to reinvent a life is both daunting and exciting.  While I will always be a mom first, now the time has come for me to also think about my own shelved dreams and desires for the future. Who knew I'd be trying to find myself again at 51!

These days I find myself sighing a lot.  It is not a sigh of frustration or sadness, but more a sigh of acceptance.  My deep exhalation is a way of releasing the old and making room for the new.   My daughter will be home soon for October break.  I will enjoy every minute with her and then I will put her on a plane back to her new life. I will wipe away a few tears and then I will return to my new life. The comings and goings.  The packing and unpacking.  The sweet hellos and the sad goodbyes. This is the new normal.

 The house will take a deep breath and exhale again and again. And so will I.

Can't Stop the Noise

Do you ever feel like there is just too much "noise" in the world?

We are inundated with noise-- alerts, text messages, emails, social media updates, endless visual images, constant breaking news, any music we want at our fingertips, and the helpful (but annoying) voices of Siri, Alexa, and Google Maps-- from the time we wake up until the time we go to bed.  We are experiencing stimuli at a rate that we have never seen before. It has become a very noisy world and we have no way to know what impact this is having on our bodies and our brains.  There is a song and video by Kenny Chesney aptly title "Noise" that perfectly illustrates this new world we live in.

"Noise" by Kenny Chesney

Twenty-four hour television, get so loud that no one listens

Sex and money and politicians talk, talk, talk

But there really ain't no conversation

Ain't nothing left to the imagination

Trapped in our phones and we can't make it stop, stop

This noise

Yeah we scream, yeah we shout 'til we don't have a voice

In the streets, in the crowds, it ain't nothing but noise

Drowning out all the dreams of this Tennessee boy

Just trying to be heard in all this noise

Every room, every house, every shade of noise

All the floors, all the walls, they all shake with noise

We can't sleep, we can't think, can't escape the noise

We can't take the noise, so we just make

Noise

Link to video: https://youtu.be/k-VAXRC_hxk

How do you get away from it all? How do you know when you need to get away?

As one who enjoys quiet, I would expect that I would intentionally add more of it to my day, every single day. What I have noticed is just the opposite.  More and more I seem to be filling my days with "noise".  From checking my phone first thing in the morning, to scrolling through social media throughout the day, to frequently monitoring the news, to researching various topics on the internet, to watching favorite television programs, to shopping online, to texting or talking to friends, to doing a combination of all of those--I am living in a state of near constant noise.  Even if the noise is good or worthwhile or necessary, it is still noise.  There are times when we need to clear our heads.  We may not always recognize the signs, but they are there.  

One of the ways I like to escape the noise is by going for a walk outside in nature.  When I go outside, I can focus on the good noises- chirping birds, running water, crunching leaves, rustling wind. Those noises don't overwhelm, they cleanse. As I walk, my mind becomes noticeably clearer.  I tune in to the rhythmic sounds of my feet hitting the ground and look up at the vast sky above me. I pause by the water and watch the current flow. I start to notice the little things around me.  Soon I am part of nature and not separate from it. Problems that have troubled me start to find solutions.  As my mind opens up, creative ideas flow in.  I can't really explain why it happens, but there is something about the quiet that changes my mind.  I can only assume that there is also something about the noise that changes it in a different way.  

Recently, I took advantage of a warm day to go for a walk. The sky was heavy with clouds, but I decided the fresh air would be worth it.  I was enjoying a relaxing walk when it unexpectedly started to rain. I wasn't dressed for rain so I picked up my pace and headed for home, but along the way I observed something interesting.  Although I could hear the rain hitting the ground, I couldn't see it right away.  Then, I could see the rain in the air long before I could feel it on my skin.  I could watch the rain accumulate on my jacket, but I didn't yet feel wet.  It took awhile before all the little raindrops accumulated and built up to a point that made me feel wet and uncomfortable.  It was surprising to me how subtle the change was. I expected to be soaked right away. 

This made me wonder if this is similar to what happens with the noise in our life. We hear  sounds all day long, but we don't feel anything. We see all of the images coming at us, but we don't notice any immediate effect. We put up with the steady drone of noise until we are vaguely irritated and upset or worse, but we still can't quite put our finger on what is wrong.  As it is with the rain- we don't get wet immediately, but we all get wet eventually- it is with the noise.  We are fooling ourselves if we think this constant daily mental onslaught isn't having an effect on us. 

Most of us are drowning in a sea of noise.  We have gotten so used to the steady stream of noise and visual stimulation, the constant hum of traffic and technology, the never ending habit of multi-tasking, and the urgent drumbeat of news and information; that we no longer know what to do with quiet. In fact, we make excuses for why we don't need it.  We convince ourselves that we work better with background noise, that having headphones on with music is comforting, that checking our phones frequently is calming, that staring at a screen is relaxing.  We fill every moment with activity, images, and sounds; and then resign ourselves to the idea that quiet is for other people.  We are too busy to be quiet, we aren't wired to be quiet, we function better in noise and chaos.  Although ALL of our brains need it more than ever, quiet seems to become more elusive each day.  We need a brain break!

How do you find time to add quiet to your day? And what does it take to be truly quiet?  
There is not one right answer for everyone.  But, as the noise in our life continues to increase  finding quiet is something we need to become more intentional about.  Can you spare two minutes for silence? That's all it takes for real health benefits to kick in!

"Take time every day to experience quiet. Research shows that silence has measurably relaxing effects — even more so than listening to relaxing music. As little as two minutes of silence reduces heart rate, breathing rate, and blood pressure. If there are no quiet places for you to retreat to, consider getting a pair of ear plugs or invest in a set of noise canceling headphones or ear buds."

Overstimulation: Taming A Modern Problem that Leads to Anxiety, Deane Alban

Walking outside is one activity that helps me to become quiet, but there are so many other ways to embrace silence.  Here are a few examples of how you can create pockets of quiet in your day:

Sitting silently wherever you are

Praying

Practicing mindfulness
Meditating

Walking/being in nature
Committing to technology free times/zones in your day

As I have become more committed to periods of intentional silence, I have seen personal benefits such as feeling calmer and experiencing more mental clarity.  But science is also on the side of silence!  Here are some notable benefits:

1. Silence relieves stress and tension
2. Silence replenishes our mental resources
3. In silence we can tap into the brain's default mode network that helps us think deeply and creatively
4. Getting quiet can regenerate brain cells 

Source: "Why Silence is So Good For Your Brain" by Carolyn Gregoire

If you are feeling a little overwhelmed in your day, or just vaguely out of sorts; I would suggest you try adding in some times of silence- even if it's just a few minutes.  Try one of the above suggestions or come up with one of your own. It might be the easiest thing we can do to decrease the stress and tension in our lives and increase our mental well being.

 Embrace the silence!