Freshman Year Complete- A Journey Home and A Journey Back in Time

Last week my husband and I drove to Ohio, packed up my daughter and her dusty dorm room, and brought her home. It was quite an accomplishment for all of us!  Claire survived her freshman year and so did we :-).  As we were packing up her belongings, it felt like we had just unpacked them and set her up in her cozy (tiny) dorm room for the first time. Yet, time being the trickster that it is, it also felt like a lifetime ago that we had obsessed over sheets and comforters, storage bins and organizational tools. Here she was in her room looking like she had done this for years. Could it be only 9 months ago that we wondered if she was prepared? Could it be only 9 months ago that I wondered if I would ever feel complete again? Thankfully the answer to both was a resounding yes. 

After the packing and cleaning were complete, we did one last walk around campus.  There was time to use a few more meal swipes and purchase a few more pieces of college swag.  The campus felt more comfortable, familiar, smaller even that it had a year ago during orientation.  After we settled into the packed van for the long drive home, with the stress of packing behind us and the monotony of the drive still ahead of us; we got to hear her thoughts on her first year of college.  We heard her talk about the great relationship she had with her roommate and the new room they will share in their sorority next year. We heard the excitement in her voice as she talked about future plans to study abroad. My heart soared as she shared stories of new friends she had met and their tentative plans to get together this summer.  We listened quietly as she talked about the challenge of learning new topics at such a quick pace and the way she adjusted her study habits accordingly. We excitedly nodded as she told us about a new program she had joined and was looking forward to next year.  

There was no way we could reasonably express with words our pride, our relief, and our excitement that her freshman year had gone so well.  Of course, that had been our hope and expectation, but the first year doesn't always go that way.  There are plenty of kids who struggled through their freshman year and who went home early, decided to transfer, or stuck it out without such great memories. We were overwhelmingly thankful for the positive experience she had and exhaled with relief in a way that we hadn't in a long time.  Eventually, the long car ride took its toll and my daughter dropped off into a well deserved post-finals nap.  My thoughts drifted back many years to my own trip home from campus after freshman year. 

I have surprisingly few memories of packing up my belongings and cleaning up my dorm room, but I do remember that my dad was the one to drive me home for the summer.  I remember getting into the loaded car and settling in for the nearly 2 hour drive home.  In an uncharacteristic display of talkativeness, I shared with my dad how wonderful my year had been.  I talked about the friends I had made and all that I had learned.  I marveled at the variety of people I had met and how exciting it was to know people of so many different life circumstances.  I can still remember the pure joy as I shared my thoughts with him. Going away to college was the single most life-changing thing that had happened to me up to that point in time.  I was bursting with excitement as I shared my experience with him.  Unfortunately, I can't recall what he said.  My memory fills in the conversation with words of acknowledgment and a few "that's great baby's".  For some reason, I long to know what he was thinking at that moment.  Was he feeling proud? Was he happy for my experience? Did he think I was being overly dramatic in that way that only 19 year olds can be? Was he tired and wishing I would stop talking?!?  Did he worry that I was changing too much, too fast and fear that I was growing away from him? I wonder.

I wish I could ask him. My dad has been gone for 12 years now and the moments of instinctually reaching for the phone to call him have mostly passed.  But for whatever reason, this moment with my daughter brought up an intense desire to know.  Did he feel the same mix of emotions that I felt? I like to think that I know how he was feeling but the truth is that I don't. For now, how he felt will remain a question mark in my mind and his thoughts will remain his alone. Maybe the expression of our feelings is never as clear to others as we think that it was.

As we continued our drive, my thoughts returned to the present. I found myself sneaking glances at my daughter. How I had missed her sweet face! I wanted to soak it all in and refamiliarize myself with the details of her face- slightly different, more mature somehow, the angles a little less sharp, same beautiful dark eyes.  As we talked, I could see that my "little girl" still had her same lively personality and infectious sense of humor.  Much felt exactly the same. Yet, I could also see her growth and maturity. What I couldn't assess was how she felt on the inside.  Did she feel like she had grown? Did life look different to her after a year away from home? I'm sure over the coming weeks the differences will be more pronounced.  Her newfound independence will bump against my sense of parenting control.  Her newly formed thoughts on different subjects may not always agree with mine.  Our town will definitely feel smaller and less exciting than a college campus! But hopefully, she will feel and appreciate the comfort and joy of coming home that will remain with her long after college life is over.

What I hope for her this summer after freshman year is that she will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we love her, we are proud of her, we support what she is doing, we appreciate her efforts,  and we ENJOY her.  Although I can't go back in time and know what my dad was thinking on our drive home after freshman year, I can do my best to make sure that my daughter doesn't have the same questions. I hope she knows the answers and isn't left to wonder.

What's Your One Word?

Around the end of the year you may have seen posts asking you to come up with one word that would guide you through 2018.  I was intrigued by this idea.  I am not one to make resolutions, but I liked the idea of a touchstone word that could guide me throughout the year.  After committing to a fairly short social media like thought process, I came up with the word "love".  Love seemed to be something that was lacking in the world in 2017 and I could see several ways that I could add more love to my life.

In the busyness of the holidays, traveling, and getting my girls ready to go back to college; I hadn't really given my word much thought.  An early January illness was not allowing for quality reflection time.  This virus not only took me out of my normal routine, but it also took me out of my normal bed.  In an effort to avoid contaminating and disturbing my husband, I moved to my daughter's room.  I slept in there several nights and then one morning I woke up and saw this:

In the hazy light of the morning, my bleary eyes focused and there was my one word looking down on me!  I knew the sign was hanging there, but somehow I hadn't taken notice of it until that morning.  I immediately remembered how I had chosen love to be my word for the year and that I still hadn't done anything about it.  This was the sign I needed that it was time to get started.

So, love...  How can I apply this one word to all areas of my life? 

Physical

 I commit to loving myself enough to take better care of myself.  It is easy to put off working out the way I know I should or going to regular checkups or making the right dietary choices.  But most often those actions are guided by guilt, fear, obligation, or laziness.  What if I used love as my motivation? I love myself enough to make good choices that will allow me to live a longer and healthier life able to do more things that I enjoy.  Love feels better than guilt.

Mental/Emotional

 I couldn't figure out a clear way to separate these two categories, so I am going to address them together.  It is easy to fall into a negative mindset.  Bad news seems to come at us every day, and as a sensitive person I can easily become overwhelmed with negative vibes and start shifting to a darker state of mind.  Reminding myself to focus on love helps me to see through the noise and stay centered on the important things- the real things in life that matter like my family, friends, and faith.  

Another necessary part of this is a commitment to self love.  Like many people, I can be very hard on myself at times.  That little voice in the back of my head can be pretty tough and unforgiving.  It is easy to believe the negative script that often runs on a continuous loop. It is only with effort and intention and love that I can change that script and choose to offer myself the same kind of grace that I extend to others.  

My new mental checklist to tackle those tough thoughts:

• Determine if negative thought is connected to a real (or only imagined) mistake
• Seek to learn something from the mistake
• Seek forgiveness of others if necessary 
• Forgive myself
• Choose to let it go 
• Move on 
• Repeat as often as necessary

Self love will probably be the most challenging one on the list, but hopefully the one that produces the greatest reward.

Financial

This was a harder one for me.  What does love have to do with finances? But, it is very similar to the Physical category.  I want to use love as my guide to make financial decisions that will benefit my family both now and later.  My intense parental love may urge me to buy everything my children want or need right now.  But my disciplined love knows that they will gain more through my more restrained hand in spending. Love means spending wisely and saving money for the future in a way that will provide financial comfort and security to all of us.  I want to use love to guide my charitable giving.  Instead of saying yes to any organization that comes along, I want to truly give to those that are nearest to my heart.  Spend, save, and give with love.  I think I can work with that. 

Relational

 The first thing I thought of when I saw this category was the oft quoted passage from 1 Corinthians. This verse is very popular for weddings (mine included) and with good reason.  It describes love in the truest sense of the word- not the romantic, flowery, butterflies in my stomach kind of love, but the real deal.  

This is the love that makes us work. The love that makes us do things that we don't always want to do. The love that makes us forgive others even when we don't want to.  The love that makes us love the different, the difficult, the disagreeable, the impossible, the unlovable.  This is the love that never stops loving even when we have occasionally stopped liking.

I would like to remember that love in all of my relationships.  It's not always easy-ok, it's very rarely easy-but that is what makes it worth it.  I hope to be better about expressing and demonstrating that love with those closest to me, and those I encounter on a day to day basis.  I want my first response to be one rooted in love. And if it can't be my first response, I want it to be my lasting response. 

Spiritual

 As a Christian, I am not only encouraged to love; I am commanded to love. "Love each other just as I have loved you." This is a fundamental tenant of my faith.  As I grow to understand the unfathomable depth of God's love for us, I am compelled to reflect that love outward.  As the year progresses, I want to continue to explore and understand God's love and find new ways to love each other.  

It's Not a Resolution

As I wrote earlier, I don't usually do resolutions.  It is too easy to turn them into a win/lose, pass/fail situation.  I am hoping for long term, continuous, forward progress. I know there will be days (or weeks) when I fail and I don't use love as my touchstone.  There will be times when I am overwhelmed, tired, or short tempered and love will not be the first emotion that comes across to others.  But, I hope that I succeed more than I fail and that I can always go back to my touchstone the next day.  I love a good visual reminder, so I can always go to my daughter's room if I need to see my word lit up, bigger than life!

But for the rest of the time, I can look down at a special bracelet I purchased and see a gentle reminder that I am going to choose love this year. Only Love Today will be my new mantra for 2018!

"Today I will choose love.  If I mistakenly choose distraction, perfection, or negativity over love, I will not wallow in regret. I will choose love next."

Rachel Macy Stafford, Only Love Today

*If you also chose love as your word this year, you may find this bracelet or related materials at: https://shop.handsfreemama.com/

Falling in Love

The cool, crisp, colorful days of fall always evoke so many memories.  None more vivid than the fall when I was falling in love.

I was a new college student in the fall of 85 and I was falling in love with:
independence,
the joy of learning,
a redefined sense of self,
deep conversations that lingered long into the night,
different experiences,
my beloved Purdue campus,
and mostly my friends who made all of those experiences more lively, fun, and meaningful!

Although this wasn't romantic love (that came later), it was every bit as heady and exhilarating.  Those first few months of college were magical! I was lucky to have had a smooth transition into college life.  I was ready for the new challenge, I was open to change, and I embraced the experience.

I fell in love with Purdue a little more each day as I explored new places. Although Purdue was a large campus, I was able to find little spots that made it seem like my own.  As I settled into the new rhythm of my days, I would find places where I could hang out and relax between classes.  There was the small fountain near John Purdue's grave where I would sit and watch all the people walk by but somehow still feel like I was alone.

 There was the pond behind Stanley Coulter Hall where I spent a lot of time eating granola bars and enjoying the sunshine.  There was the spacious bathroom/lounge on the first floor of the union where I could grab a couch and a little nap after my 7:30 am class. (I quickly became comfortable with the public nap!)  There was the table in the Union where my friends and I would often congregate throughout the day. We would look forward to grabbing some bread sticks (another Purdue love) and conversation between classes. The ever evolving mix of people became a highlight of my day. There was the excitement of  game day where I vividly remember walking across the co-rec fields and over Slayter Hill through the sea of tailgaters. You could always hear the sound of laughter, music, and the steady drum beat of the Purdue marching band.

I regret that we did not have phone cameras at the time because I am sure I would have taken pictures of the leaves changing as I walked to class and I know I would have had pictures of the water splashing out of my little fountain on the mall on a rainy day. I definitely would have taken a picture of the koi fish swimming in the pond and the squirrels crazily gathering acorns underneath the trees. 
I thought those areas would always be there and there would be time for pictures later, but time stops for no one. Campuses keep growing and changing, student needs and traditions evolve over time, and now many of my special places aren't there anymore.  I am forced to rely on my memory and although the experiences are seared in my mind, the details have grown a little fuzzy with time.

There are so many moments that I wish I could have saved just so I could remember the feeling associated with them. A picture probably wouldn't have captured the size of my brain growing as I learned subjects at a rate I never imagined.  I probably wouldn't have taken a selfie at the moment when I was most engaged in class and I could feel everything finally clicking into place.  I'm not sure a group photo could have captured the camaraderie that happened during those marathon late night conversations with friends.  How do you capture that time on a Saturday before we went out for the night when everyone was getting ready? Hairspray and perfume thick in the air, clothes and shoes swapped to find the perfect look, music playing in our rooms, moods happy and hopeful, all in preparation for the magical night that we were always sure was about to happen.  What would that picture look like?

Although I have some pictures of my college years, I don't have nearly enough to equate to all of the special times, places, and people.   I am envious that the students today have the ability to easily capture all of their experiences. Their lives are well documented and someday they will appreciate the gift of those detailed memories frozen in time.  I am also thankful that I didn't have the ability to easily capture all of my experiences! For every memory I want to see again, there is one (or two) that I would rather not...

When I think of my own college age children, I hope that they are falling in love too! I'm sure they are having plenty of their own memorable moments.  They won't look exactly like mine, but I hope they are finding their favorite places on campus and appreciating the quiet and exciting moments along the way.   I hope they are recognizing that college is a special time and place in their lives. I hope they are making friendships that will last a lifetime  I hope they are taking a lot of pictures.

My experience wasn't all perfect- there were struggles, classes I hated, professors who weren't fair, homework assignments that just about killed me, financial stresses that made life tough, times I disappointed myself and others- but the overall experience was such a gift.  If my girls are enjoying their college experience half as much as I did, then I know they will be truly blessed!

 Here's to fall, friends, love, and the glory days of college!